Reflections on 2009 - Wondering...
There have been times over the past year, and especially now, where we just wonder. And not always in a good way - not the kind of wonder that says, "Wow, God is awesome, let's just sit back and watch what he does." More the kind that wonders, "What is really going on?" As I think back over the past year, I'm not sure that we've learned all that we need to yet, or that we can see how God was working. I trust that someday in the future, we will be able to look back with clear eyes and point to ways that God was leading us.
But we can't see that now. All we can see is a jumble of events that don't seem to draw any coherent picture. It's like we started doing a connect-the-dots, and instead of coming out a bunny rabbit (or house), it looks like a mess. So then I start to wonder if I have forgotten how to count, or somehow we connected the dots in the wrong order.
Doubt - in ourselves and of God - has reared its head several times in the past year, and while we fight against it with the knowledge that our God is in control, it seems that we're now just in the place of waiting on God to make the next move because we're tired of stepping out and not getting anywhere, ultimately feeling like we're making a mess of what should be a beautiful picture.
Signposts along the way
While this sounds at least a bit hopeless, I don't believe this past year has been meaningless or empty of joy. We started the year with a resounding confirmation of our calling and ministry with The Boston Project. The four-week period that spanned last new year (08-09) was signpost along our journey that provides reassurance, context, and remembrance. I still look back in amazement at the way our brothers and sisters in Christ held us up when we were immobilized.
We truly felt like the paralytic man whose friends carried him to Jesus (Matthew 9:1-7). Just when we felt God confirming that we needed to walk in a new vision of buying a house to use for ministry, we were crippled by a deficit in our support of over $4,000. We shared this with our friends, and within four weeks, were carried into the new year with not only sufficient funds, but abundance. Dozens of individuals and families gave special gifts that amounted to over $10,000.
God confirmed a calling, provided the means to make it happen, and we were jumping for joy ready to spring out of the gate. Feeling energized and inspired, we pressed hard into following this vision, looking at over 50 houses between January and May.
Not What We Expected
Then somewhere in those months, things began to change. We put in offers on three houses, all of which were turned down. By the end of the summer, the market had turned and houses were more expensive. In the fall, we put offers on three more houses, and they were all bought out from under us by cash buyers.
Our house-hunt was not going as planned, and it was starting to tire us. Looking at so many houses helped us see what was really important in a house, so we didn't look at quite as many, but still the process was wearing. I don't know too many people who have been in the buying process for over a year.
Then around Thanksgiving, several options for a ministry house seemed to open up, and we were encouraged that they were based in relationships with people in our community. It seemed more natural - maybe like something that only God could make happen. We started to think, yes, this could be it. Only in the last few weeks all of those door have been closed. We are thankful that God provides direction even through closed doors.
Not "Where", But "Who"
I think we tend to approach our faith in terms of what we accomplish with God, or how closely we follow his will (which we define as what he tells us to do). But what if it's more about how closely we walk with God, rather than where, how far, how fast, or how well we walk?
This past year, when I tried to live my faith by doing everything exactly right, I got discouraged with my progress (or lack of) and frustrated with God. Unintentionally, I've viewed God standing on a platform looking down at me, shouting directions through a bullhorn.
But that's not the picture we find in the Bible - like Micah 6:8 - "Walk humbly with your God." (emphasis mine) When I focus on simply walking with God, all the other questions and problems seem to diminish, and I can live with joy. Have you ever walked beside someone who knew where they were going, and could guide you just a slight change in direction or pace, without ever saying a word? Even though it's taken a hard year to learn this lesson (probably again), I believe God is drawing us back to this place of walking with Him, side-by-side.
How you can pray
As you pray for us, I encourage you to pray for patience, perseverance, that God would fulfill his promise in James 1:4 that "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
